Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
