Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize