remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
