I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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