Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
