literally had 100 drinks last night.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
