Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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