A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
