My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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