WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
