My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
