did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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