Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
