i think my tv is drunk
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
