So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
