she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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