It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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