I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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