I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
