On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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