Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
