Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
