Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
