Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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