You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
