Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I AM VODKA MAN
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
