Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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