you traded sex for a burrito?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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