I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
