So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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