I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
