I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
