I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
