Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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