I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize