i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
