My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
