Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
