I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
