Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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