I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
