I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
