I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize