just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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