I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
