i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
