I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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