I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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