just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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