Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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