ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
