you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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