My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
