idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
