I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I have already put on my inside pants.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
