That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
