Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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